Excuse me

For being 'selfish.'

Besides the fact that I made a huge mistake dating this total doucher, I really haven't gone out much in the past few years. Excuse me for wanting to come out of my cave and learn to trust people again. I call it socializing, others may call it partying, and then point the finger at me (during a break up, where I am already down and humbled) for not doing something more "constructive" with my life. I'm proud of how far I've come. It's okay for me to have a good time with friends. It's healthy.

I have to take on more and more responsibilities, at a slow pace. I attend class. I have my own personal issues that almost resulted in my failing, once again, to complete something. Yet, I am still there. I'm not giving up on myself.

I'm going to do what I feel is right for me. It's completely unfair that I have to deal with someone I love telling me that I should be doing something else, something more; That if I can go out and "party," I should be giving back to this world that, so far, has taken everything from me.

I respect the concept that pulling myself out of my own self may ultimately benefit me, but that didn't seem to be the intention of the conversation I just had. I feel I owe it to myself to build myself up and learn to live my life, and to discover what that is for me.

Freight Train

When I think back for one second, I understand how I ended up here. All I have to do is let myself feel the pain for a moment, just remember, and I can forgive myself for wasting time. I did it on purpose. I didn't want to think, I didn't want to feel, I just wanted to be left alone in my room with all of my distractions. I was afraid of moving forward, of being with myself in silence to even think about where or who I wanted to be. I had to hide for a while from myself, from my past, for a long, long while. I peek my head up for air and try to gauge my surroundings, and the past hits me like a freight train. I hold strong. I brace for the impact, lest I spend the rest of my life in this room. Life is beautiful and I want to experience it. Fear is paralyzing. I refuse to be afraid anymore. I choose strength. I choose courage. I choose to leave the past behind me and move forward, weeping not for roads untraveled, but gearing for the course ahead. I have no ridiculous notions of things working out perfectly for me. That being said, I have hope and determination and the will to drive me onwards.
My life has been some sad poet's inspiration. I will harness the lessons I've learned and the wisdom I've acquired through my journey to manifest a beautiful life. I open myself to the gifts life has to offer. I open my heart to be cherished by another. I open my mind to be heard or be misunderstood, so long as I speak my truth it doesn't matter. The point is, really, that I may never be more ready than I am right now. So be it. If I fall, I will brush myself off and start off again like a hunter going after her prey, to survive.
It wasn't all for naught, for I've metamorphosed. The girl I was three years ago nearly died, so she shrouded herself in a cocoon and emerged as myself. I am reborn. I have the power to prevail. I am a realist now. I am innately talented, bitingly intelligent, and strangely beautiful. I have so much to offer this world and I will be the one hitting it like a freight train.

Strength

I'm not afraid to fail. I'm not afraid to fight.
It's as if I've come alive from the inside.
I feel the ground beneath my feet and my story written in the sky.
I am the wind within the leaves reaching far and fast and high.
I just have to be. I don't have to try.
Who I am is well enough and where I am is fine.
I feel my strength within my veins and courage in my eyes.
I am the song only I can sing and my heart is where it lies.