White picket fence dreams

Hey, you know what would be awesome? If I found a man. It's not very likely considering I don't get out much. It's not like one is going to come to my door and propose.
My priorities are changing. I used to want a man with long dark hair and tattoos and confidence bordering pathological narcissism, most likely in a band. I wanted danger and intrigue.
Now, I want someone to be good to me. Kind, reliable, loyal, willing to take care of me in an old fashioned kind of way and I would do the same for him. Mentally, I'm in a really good place in my life. I'm stable and secure in myself. I feel I could provide above and beyond what a worthy man would expect of me.
And I'm 28 years old. I spent the last fifteen years of my life partying and being reckless, and now I've reached an age where I feel I would like to be married and bear children in the next couple of years.
Yeah, I still want to be a rockstar. But I want a family. I want my other half. I care less about being different and exciting and more about building a solid foundation with someone I love.
So that's where I am right now.
I'm not meant to walk this earth alone. I need a man to guide me, encourage me to be a better person. I thought I had that recently, but I was idealizing the entire situation. Things were great for a while, and then seemingly out of nowhere, he completely lost interest. It is sad, but I've been through much, much worse. And no one can ever take hope away from me.

What if I didn't have to try

What if
I was already where I thought I should be
No mountains to climb and no skies to fly
What if
When I opened my eyes
I saw paradise
What if
When I looked deep enough inside
I saw someone like I really liked
What if
I was already there
What if
She was already here
The girl I knew when I was a child
Innocent and ready and wild
What if
There was nothing to fear
What if
I found no reasons for tears
What if
I was lost before I was alive
If I gave up long before I died
She will never cease to believe
She will never cease trying to be
And if she awoke and the world gave her the key
She would run with it and her dreams would conceive
But for now
It's just me
Holding my breath and hoping, holding
On to what could be

Casual Dating

"

An interaction between two people who are looking to get to know one another better, without commitments or promises. Either or both parties can be casually dating other people.

Casual dating differs from friends with benefits, in that friends with benefits engage in sexual activity together with no commitments to one another other, whereas casual dating may or may not involve sex, but its primary purpose is to determine what kind, if any, relationship will blossom."

Chivalry is dead.

Smoke Free, and Free in General.

I'm quitting smoking. Why?
Well, the long term effects are obvious. Three out of my four grandparents smoked and all died before I was 12 due to smoking related complications, two of them from lung cancer.
The short term effects are even more of a motivator. I'm a very active person, and I need to be able to breath! Even more importantly, I was blessed with the gift of song and I do not intend to throw that away.
The kind of person that I am doesn't fit in with that of a smoker. I am quite health conscious. I eat well, exercise, and take care of my body.
Why did I become a smoker? At a tattoo parlor, a girl shared a clove with me. I had no idea that it had nicotine in it, but I went out and bought a pack the very next day. After doing my research, I found the tar content was three times that of a regular cigarette and switched to them. I have been smoking on and off for five years, collectively for about three.
I've endured a lot of trauma in my life and have made many bad choices. As it turns out, I'm lucky the only drug addictions I acquired throughout my escapades were marijuana and cigarettes. I quit weed not even two months ago. As soon as I quit that, I became aware of how cigarettes are not conducive to my lifestyle. I wanted to quit right away, but I gave myself 30 dates of sobriety first.
So now here I am, on day 6. I use the patch. The only difficulties I have to conquer are the physical acts of holding something in my mouth or my hand and learning new habits to replace old ones. I have a new resolve that I didn't have before, and am more stable than I've been in years. I'm positive that I will never have another smoke again.
Coincidently, the same day I gave up smoking, I let go of things that have happened to me in my past. I wrote a song about it. Since then, I feel a weight has been lifted and I've evolved into a new person, or, perhaps, the old Jessie I used to be before my trauma occurred. I am currently learning to play the piano as I work on composing music for my lyrics.
I feel free. I have no ridiculous notions of perfection, but I have hope for a better future.

Beef

I don't talk about my past, but it still affects me. I hold my head up high and do the best I can, which is never good enough for anybody- sometimes not even myself. My heart is in music. I live to sing. And recently, people have been coming down on my vocals left and right. It all seems so sudden, as if I am being sabotaged by those who are threatened by my talent. But it does hurt. People I thought believed in me and were my friends have proven otherwise.
I was unable to show up for ensemble class for a week, and they voted me out of the final performance so I failed that class. I understand the importance of being consistent and reliable, but don't bring my voice into it. I am artistic. I don't produce carbon copies of songs, I make them my own.
A lot of people were waiting for their chance to attack me and shove me out of the way, and I gave it to them. I can only blame myself. The music Industry is competitive in nature. I let the ball drop.
What I've learned from all this is that even though my past is over and done with, it still haunts me enough to incapacitate me even when I'm doing what is most important to me. I'm strong in ways no one can understand, but I'm weak in ways that most people aren't.
I've got beef with a few people, but I mostly have beef with myself. I expect more. I expect to make the most of everyday and the opportunities and potential I possess.
I'm angry. I'm unheard. I'm driven.
This is why I'm taking the summer to focus on the little things that make up the big picture of stability, security, and responsibility. Little things like being active, walking my dog, getting dressed every day. Stuff people take for granted. It should be simple.
But I'm different. I have unique weaknesses and very unique strengths. I hope to find my way to a balanced life and find peace, good friends, and continue to express myself artistically through composition of music.
Summers here. I passes one class. It's something, one thing I have to be proud of. I came into this program with the optimism of a teenager in love, and cold hard reality set in. I'm not perfect. Im not even close.

Size does not matter!!

So I've gained twenty pounds since I started classes!! I used to weigh 105 and now I weigh 125. I always thought I was too skinny-- I hated when people called me skinny, it's just like being called fat. It's insulting! At first, I was filling out nicely and enjoying my new curves, and then I freaked out. I realized how much I had gained and couldn't fit into any of my clothes! I had a couple days where I really didn't know what I looked like or if I was getting chubby. After the initial shock, I grew into myself and accepted that I look good just the way I am.
I dont envy girls that look like sticks, I see models and flat tummies and I feel for them, because I've been there. I'm much more comfortable in my own skin now then I was when I was a borderline anorexic. All I can say is: girls, it's not worth it. Work with what ya got because curvy girls are beautiful and being too skinny is a curse. Take it from me!! It was awful!!
Nevertheless, I'm going to tone up and work on getting in shape like anybody should, but size truly does not matter.

Forgiveness

I can't control those people who have tried to control me, who saw life as a game and myself as a prize to be won and conquered. I can't seek out justice, or vengeance, or try to teach them the truth. I must forgive. It may be the hardest thing for me to do, but ultimately will reward me with peace.
What if I could just let it go? What if I didn't have to hold on to the pain? Am I afraid that I won't be driven to succeed in spite of it? I think, inherently, I know I would be better off: That I would open myself to the world, and in turn, the world would open itself to me.