The End

If the world ends
And there's no legacy to conceive
With no one left to hear
The mark I leave
Then what does my purpose become?

If the sky falls
And there's nothing left to see
Does it matter then
What I used to believe
That I could be someone?

If the ground opens up
And swallows my dreams
Would I even give up
The destiny I've seen
Lord knows you only live once

If the oceans collide
Would I be set free
Washing aside
Everything I wanted to be
Would I truly live for the moment,
Knowing the end has come?

Quietude

I have nothing of impact to say
Though I should
I have thrown enough moments away
Wish I could
Find the impulse to steal the day
I'm a fool
I'm ready to strike but afraid
I will lose
I don't want to take all these pills
But I do
My feelings become numb and nil
So I choose
Rather than bleed seethe and spill
I refuse
To be anyone if and until
I'm confused
No longer and summon my strength
It will be
An indeterminate length
Once I speak
I will know what I wanted to say
Without reach
Until then in my quietude stay

Sensitive?

I think the word sensitive best describes me. I don't like the words psychic or medium, as they have negative connotations to a lot of scam artists. I really haven't attempted to tap into my abilities, and I really can't confirm that what little experiences I have to be anything more than coincidence.
The things that happen frequently are so minuscule that they would barely be worth mentioning if they didn't happen so often. Silly things like knowing when something is done cooking before an alarm goes off, or picking up my phone just before I get a text or a call. It isn't always consistent, but it happens about half the time. I tend to watch a lot of shows on my computer and if something happens and I need to restart my browser, I can usually find my place in the program with a single click.
I have to say the most impressive event happened several years ago. I was sitting at a paneras and I was on my cel, talking to a friend and swearing rather profusely. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a blonde little girl at a nearby table. I PGed my conversation and when I hung up, I looked over and there were only two women seated at that table. I had a very strong urge to confirm my suspicions. So I mustered up the courage to go talk to them. I said to them, "Excuse me, but would one of you happen to be pregnant?" In fact one of them confirmed this. "Is there a possibility that it would be a girl?" Again, this was confirmed. "Could she be blonde?" No. I was wrong there, but you never know. I told her the child was going to be okay, and feeling like a weirdo I thanked them and left.
I was pretty stoked at that point. I wanted to test my ability further. I walked into the nearest Borders bookstore (which I was not at familiar with) and to see if I could hone in on a book about psychics. I didn't read the genres or categories of the aisles, I simply walked down the center aisle and took a right. Without scanning the titles, I put out my hand and touched a book. And it was the only book about psychics in the store.
Thoroughly freaked out, I walked right out and never tried anything like this again.

Thinspiration? Are you kidding me?

Thinspiration has got to be the dumbest trend I have ever encountered. There's also something called Ana, short for anorexia, as if it were a beautiful thing for women and girls to aspire to. This kind of thing really irks me because I was anorexic completely from past trauma. Food was disgusting to me. I still take medication to make me hungry. I used to weigh 105 pounds at 5'4" and I never felt pretty. Girls that glorify starving themselves are just sick. It's a sad obsession, but having been anorexic having nothing to do with vanity, I don't have to imagine what these girls are going through. Being hungry and weak, having bone and skin problems, aging prematurely, feeling awful every waking second-- and for what? So they can see their bones? So their stomachs eat themselves flat? So they can look like Nicole Richie or Posh Spice? So their legs will look like sticks and their arms like twigs? How is being sick beautiful? I just don't understand. When I looked like that, I hated my body. I hated that everything just hung on my bones and that I had no curves. I wasn't in control of my eating habits... and these girls do it by choice. It's an epidemic, and I hope one day these girls realize that they are killing themselves and they look like shit.

White picket fence dreams

Hey, you know what would be awesome? If I found a man. It's not very likely considering I don't get out much. It's not like one is going to come to my door and propose.
My priorities are changing. I used to want a man with long dark hair and tattoos and confidence bordering pathological narcissism, most likely in a band. I wanted danger and intrigue.
Now, I want someone to be good to me. Kind, reliable, loyal, willing to take care of me in an old fashioned kind of way and I would do the same for him. Mentally, I'm in a really good place in my life. I'm stable and secure in myself. I feel I could provide above and beyond what a worthy man would expect of me.
And I'm 28 years old. I spent the last fifteen years of my life partying and being reckless, and now I've reached an age where I feel I would like to be married and bear children in the next couple of years.
Yeah, I still want to be a rockstar. But I want a family. I want my other half. I care less about being different and exciting and more about building a solid foundation with someone I love.
So that's where I am right now.
I'm not meant to walk this earth alone. I need a man to guide me, encourage me to be a better person. I thought I had that recently, but I was idealizing the entire situation. Things were great for a while, and then seemingly out of nowhere, he completely lost interest. It is sad, but I've been through much, much worse. And no one can ever take hope away from me.

What if I didn't have to try

What if
I was already where I thought I should be
No mountains to climb and no skies to fly
What if
When I opened my eyes
I saw paradise
What if
When I looked deep enough inside
I saw someone like I really liked
What if
I was already there
What if
She was already here
The girl I knew when I was a child
Innocent and ready and wild
What if
There was nothing to fear
What if
I found no reasons for tears
What if
I was lost before I was alive
If I gave up long before I died
She will never cease to believe
She will never cease trying to be
And if she awoke and the world gave her the key
She would run with it and her dreams would conceive
But for now
It's just me
Holding my breath and hoping, holding
On to what could be

Casual Dating

"

An interaction between two people who are looking to get to know one another better, without commitments or promises. Either or both parties can be casually dating other people.

Casual dating differs from friends with benefits, in that friends with benefits engage in sexual activity together with no commitments to one another other, whereas casual dating may or may not involve sex, but its primary purpose is to determine what kind, if any, relationship will blossom."

Chivalry is dead.