I don't talk about my past, but it still affects me. I hold my head up high and do the best I can, which is never good enough for anybody- sometimes not even myself. My heart is in music. I live to sing. And recently, people have been coming down on my vocals left and right. It all seems so sudden, as if I am being sabotaged by those who are threatened by my talent. But it does hurt. People I thought believed in me and were my friends have proven otherwise.
I was unable to show up for ensemble class for a week, and they voted me out of the final performance so I failed that class. I understand the importance of being consistent and reliable, but don't bring my voice into it. I am artistic. I don't produce carbon copies of songs, I make them my own.
A lot of people were waiting for their chance to attack me and shove me out of the way, and I gave it to them. I can only blame myself. The music Industry is competitive in nature. I let the ball drop.
What I've learned from all this is that even though my past is over and done with, it still haunts me enough to incapacitate me even when I'm doing what is most important to me. I'm strong in ways no one can understand, but I'm weak in ways that most people aren't.
I've got beef with a few people, but I mostly have beef with myself. I expect more. I expect to make the most of everyday and the opportunities and potential I possess.
I'm angry. I'm unheard. I'm driven.
This is why I'm taking the summer to focus on the little things that make up the big picture of stability, security, and responsibility. Little things like being active, walking my dog, getting dressed every day. Stuff people take for granted. It should be simple.
But I'm different. I have unique weaknesses and very unique strengths. I hope to find my way to a balanced life and find peace, good friends, and continue to express myself artistically through composition of music.
Summers here. I passes one class. It's something, one thing I have to be proud of. I came into this program with the optimism of a teenager in love, and cold hard reality set in. I'm not perfect. Im not even close.
