The End

If the world ends
And there's no legacy to conceive
With no one left to hear
The mark I leave
Then what does my purpose become?

If the sky falls
And there's nothing left to see
Does it matter then
What I used to believe
That I could be someone?

If the ground opens up
And swallows my dreams
Would I even give up
The destiny I've seen
Lord knows you only live once

If the oceans collide
Would I be set free
Washing aside
Everything I wanted to be
Would I truly live for the moment,
Knowing the end has come?

Quietude

I have nothing of impact to say
Though I should
I have thrown enough moments away
Wish I could
Find the impulse to steal the day
I'm a fool
I'm ready to strike but afraid
I will lose
I don't want to take all these pills
But I do
My feelings become numb and nil
So I choose
Rather than bleed seethe and spill
I refuse
To be anyone if and until
I'm confused
No longer and summon my strength
It will be
An indeterminate length
Once I speak
I will know what I wanted to say
Without reach
Until then in my quietude stay

Sensitive?

I think the word sensitive best describes me. I don't like the words psychic or medium, as they have negative connotations to a lot of scam artists. I really haven't attempted to tap into my abilities, and I really can't confirm that what little experiences I have to be anything more than coincidence.
The things that happen frequently are so minuscule that they would barely be worth mentioning if they didn't happen so often. Silly things like knowing when something is done cooking before an alarm goes off, or picking up my phone just before I get a text or a call. It isn't always consistent, but it happens about half the time. I tend to watch a lot of shows on my computer and if something happens and I need to restart my browser, I can usually find my place in the program with a single click.
I have to say the most impressive event happened several years ago. I was sitting at a paneras and I was on my cel, talking to a friend and swearing rather profusely. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a blonde little girl at a nearby table. I PGed my conversation and when I hung up, I looked over and there were only two women seated at that table. I had a very strong urge to confirm my suspicions. So I mustered up the courage to go talk to them. I said to them, "Excuse me, but would one of you happen to be pregnant?" In fact one of them confirmed this. "Is there a possibility that it would be a girl?" Again, this was confirmed. "Could she be blonde?" No. I was wrong there, but you never know. I told her the child was going to be okay, and feeling like a weirdo I thanked them and left.
I was pretty stoked at that point. I wanted to test my ability further. I walked into the nearest Borders bookstore (which I was not at familiar with) and to see if I could hone in on a book about psychics. I didn't read the genres or categories of the aisles, I simply walked down the center aisle and took a right. Without scanning the titles, I put out my hand and touched a book. And it was the only book about psychics in the store.
Thoroughly freaked out, I walked right out and never tried anything like this again.

Thinspiration? Are you kidding me?

Thinspiration has got to be the dumbest trend I have ever encountered. There's also something called Ana, short for anorexia, as if it were a beautiful thing for women and girls to aspire to. This kind of thing really irks me because I was anorexic completely from past trauma. Food was disgusting to me. I still take medication to make me hungry. I used to weigh 105 pounds at 5'4" and I never felt pretty. Girls that glorify starving themselves are just sick. It's a sad obsession, but having been anorexic having nothing to do with vanity, I don't have to imagine what these girls are going through. Being hungry and weak, having bone and skin problems, aging prematurely, feeling awful every waking second-- and for what? So they can see their bones? So their stomachs eat themselves flat? So they can look like Nicole Richie or Posh Spice? So their legs will look like sticks and their arms like twigs? How is being sick beautiful? I just don't understand. When I looked like that, I hated my body. I hated that everything just hung on my bones and that I had no curves. I wasn't in control of my eating habits... and these girls do it by choice. It's an epidemic, and I hope one day these girls realize that they are killing themselves and they look like shit.

White picket fence dreams

Hey, you know what would be awesome? If I found a man. It's not very likely considering I don't get out much. It's not like one is going to come to my door and propose.
My priorities are changing. I used to want a man with long dark hair and tattoos and confidence bordering pathological narcissism, most likely in a band. I wanted danger and intrigue.
Now, I want someone to be good to me. Kind, reliable, loyal, willing to take care of me in an old fashioned kind of way and I would do the same for him. Mentally, I'm in a really good place in my life. I'm stable and secure in myself. I feel I could provide above and beyond what a worthy man would expect of me.
And I'm 28 years old. I spent the last fifteen years of my life partying and being reckless, and now I've reached an age where I feel I would like to be married and bear children in the next couple of years.
Yeah, I still want to be a rockstar. But I want a family. I want my other half. I care less about being different and exciting and more about building a solid foundation with someone I love.
So that's where I am right now.
I'm not meant to walk this earth alone. I need a man to guide me, encourage me to be a better person. I thought I had that recently, but I was idealizing the entire situation. Things were great for a while, and then seemingly out of nowhere, he completely lost interest. It is sad, but I've been through much, much worse. And no one can ever take hope away from me.

What if I didn't have to try

What if
I was already where I thought I should be
No mountains to climb and no skies to fly
What if
When I opened my eyes
I saw paradise
What if
When I looked deep enough inside
I saw someone like I really liked
What if
I was already there
What if
She was already here
The girl I knew when I was a child
Innocent and ready and wild
What if
There was nothing to fear
What if
I found no reasons for tears
What if
I was lost before I was alive
If I gave up long before I died
She will never cease to believe
She will never cease trying to be
And if she awoke and the world gave her the key
She would run with it and her dreams would conceive
But for now
It's just me
Holding my breath and hoping, holding
On to what could be

Casual Dating

"

An interaction between two people who are looking to get to know one another better, without commitments or promises. Either or both parties can be casually dating other people.

Casual dating differs from friends with benefits, in that friends with benefits engage in sexual activity together with no commitments to one another other, whereas casual dating may or may not involve sex, but its primary purpose is to determine what kind, if any, relationship will blossom."

Chivalry is dead.

Smoke Free, and Free in General.

I'm quitting smoking. Why?
Well, the long term effects are obvious. Three out of my four grandparents smoked and all died before I was 12 due to smoking related complications, two of them from lung cancer.
The short term effects are even more of a motivator. I'm a very active person, and I need to be able to breath! Even more importantly, I was blessed with the gift of song and I do not intend to throw that away.
The kind of person that I am doesn't fit in with that of a smoker. I am quite health conscious. I eat well, exercise, and take care of my body.
Why did I become a smoker? At a tattoo parlor, a girl shared a clove with me. I had no idea that it had nicotine in it, but I went out and bought a pack the very next day. After doing my research, I found the tar content was three times that of a regular cigarette and switched to them. I have been smoking on and off for five years, collectively for about three.
I've endured a lot of trauma in my life and have made many bad choices. As it turns out, I'm lucky the only drug addictions I acquired throughout my escapades were marijuana and cigarettes. I quit weed not even two months ago. As soon as I quit that, I became aware of how cigarettes are not conducive to my lifestyle. I wanted to quit right away, but I gave myself 30 dates of sobriety first.
So now here I am, on day 6. I use the patch. The only difficulties I have to conquer are the physical acts of holding something in my mouth or my hand and learning new habits to replace old ones. I have a new resolve that I didn't have before, and am more stable than I've been in years. I'm positive that I will never have another smoke again.
Coincidently, the same day I gave up smoking, I let go of things that have happened to me in my past. I wrote a song about it. Since then, I feel a weight has been lifted and I've evolved into a new person, or, perhaps, the old Jessie I used to be before my trauma occurred. I am currently learning to play the piano as I work on composing music for my lyrics.
I feel free. I have no ridiculous notions of perfection, but I have hope for a better future.

Beef

I don't talk about my past, but it still affects me. I hold my head up high and do the best I can, which is never good enough for anybody- sometimes not even myself. My heart is in music. I live to sing. And recently, people have been coming down on my vocals left and right. It all seems so sudden, as if I am being sabotaged by those who are threatened by my talent. But it does hurt. People I thought believed in me and were my friends have proven otherwise.
I was unable to show up for ensemble class for a week, and they voted me out of the final performance so I failed that class. I understand the importance of being consistent and reliable, but don't bring my voice into it. I am artistic. I don't produce carbon copies of songs, I make them my own.
A lot of people were waiting for their chance to attack me and shove me out of the way, and I gave it to them. I can only blame myself. The music Industry is competitive in nature. I let the ball drop.
What I've learned from all this is that even though my past is over and done with, it still haunts me enough to incapacitate me even when I'm doing what is most important to me. I'm strong in ways no one can understand, but I'm weak in ways that most people aren't.
I've got beef with a few people, but I mostly have beef with myself. I expect more. I expect to make the most of everyday and the opportunities and potential I possess.
I'm angry. I'm unheard. I'm driven.
This is why I'm taking the summer to focus on the little things that make up the big picture of stability, security, and responsibility. Little things like being active, walking my dog, getting dressed every day. Stuff people take for granted. It should be simple.
But I'm different. I have unique weaknesses and very unique strengths. I hope to find my way to a balanced life and find peace, good friends, and continue to express myself artistically through composition of music.
Summers here. I passes one class. It's something, one thing I have to be proud of. I came into this program with the optimism of a teenager in love, and cold hard reality set in. I'm not perfect. Im not even close.

Size does not matter!!

So I've gained twenty pounds since I started classes!! I used to weigh 105 and now I weigh 125. I always thought I was too skinny-- I hated when people called me skinny, it's just like being called fat. It's insulting! At first, I was filling out nicely and enjoying my new curves, and then I freaked out. I realized how much I had gained and couldn't fit into any of my clothes! I had a couple days where I really didn't know what I looked like or if I was getting chubby. After the initial shock, I grew into myself and accepted that I look good just the way I am.
I dont envy girls that look like sticks, I see models and flat tummies and I feel for them, because I've been there. I'm much more comfortable in my own skin now then I was when I was a borderline anorexic. All I can say is: girls, it's not worth it. Work with what ya got because curvy girls are beautiful and being too skinny is a curse. Take it from me!! It was awful!!
Nevertheless, I'm going to tone up and work on getting in shape like anybody should, but size truly does not matter.

Forgiveness

I can't control those people who have tried to control me, who saw life as a game and myself as a prize to be won and conquered. I can't seek out justice, or vengeance, or try to teach them the truth. I must forgive. It may be the hardest thing for me to do, but ultimately will reward me with peace.
What if I could just let it go? What if I didn't have to hold on to the pain? Am I afraid that I won't be driven to succeed in spite of it? I think, inherently, I know I would be better off: That I would open myself to the world, and in turn, the world would open itself to me.

Spring Break

My body feels so out of whack from partying this weekend! I can't believe Spring Break is over. The only remnants are my lime green St Patty's Day nails! My ex and I have had an on and off again relationship over the past years, but what came out of it was a solid friendship (with a mutual agreement that being single is way better than having a significant other anyway) He is graduating with a degree in the same thing I'm going for but in Orlando. He's had his own band (who may be getting back together) and he's my inspiration. His star attitude is contagious, as anyone who has met him clearly sees. When we were together, he gave me his midi controller and bought me my SM58, which I wouldn't have a studio without. He upgraded to ProTools 10 and gave me 9 AND Reason! He's just a selfless person and he believes in me. Best friend I've ever had.
Next on the list is a Mac, which a colleague of mine has offered to build for me and I finally have the money for him. Then, I save up and buy Logic. Voila! Studio!
Tomorrow begins eight more weeks of classes. Sigh.
I try to keep the big picture in mind: the construction of my own studio, laying my own tracks and hopefully getting a small local fan base, performing at local venues, just doing what I love. Over break I composed my first song (and cried because I was so happy I finally did this) and began to work on another, but got side tracked by both reality and reality tv. I did manage to get a good cleaning of my room in.
I found out before break that I was President Elect of the Music Industry Club-- I never thought I'd be president of anything! It just confirms that I can be someone in this industry, and I feel proud.
Mid terms- yikes! For someone who has high standards for myself, I didn't meet them. Sound Reinforcement is a difficult class, and I believe I got a C there. Rec Tech I think I got a B, and piano an A. Not bad, but not good enough. I plan to budget my time more wisely and ace the finals. I studied so much I burned out, stopped studying, and then had to cram before midterms. But whatever I need to do to prove to myself I am still an A student (after not being in college for years) I will do.
I run concessions tomorrow morning, and I will be bringing my books to study during the inevitable down time. That way when I get home, I can just relax. I can work on my music, and then wind down with a fix of reality tv.
Speaking of which, I'm off. *sips coffee* Later.

Reality Check

Okay, so I have to process this:
I performed with a band. And we were amazing. Everyone listened.
I need a reality check. Is this my life? Am I living my dream?
Yes and no. A check off on my bucket list, surely. I remember standing up there in that little cafe, and thinking, "This is really happening." I felt this connection to everyone I played with, and I felt heard by our small audience. At the same time, I was completely aware of myself in space and time. It was just this beautiful, cohesive moment where everything fell into place.
I want more. All I want is more.
I want to bring in a few choice lyrics and melodies I have been writing my entire life. I want to create something original-- I want to seize this opportunity.
Will they go for it? Will they want to work with new material? Undoubtedly, they are talented enough to do so. I feel like we are complete albeit a drummer. Maybe I am just dreaming, but for once it seems like dreams can come true.
It's time to sift through my arsenal of lyrics. It's time now. Maybe it's really, finally, time.
I am so grateful for where I am today. I am so grateful for excelling in class and learning more about what I live for, for having real life experiences, for bonding with others through them. I am grateful every day that I am alive, and healthy, and that I feel that my life has a meaning and a purpose.
I think of Whitney Houston. She had it all, and where do you go once you reach the top? If making it is the end, then what I'm doing right now is the journey. It's the excitement and anticipation and the openness and willingness to learn and grow and be better. I will never forget my first gig at the coffee shop covering songs. It's a landmark. And I have no where to go but up. I'm doing this thing. This is my reality.

Slump

Slumps... Gotta hate em. My voice started to give way during band practice on Saturday, and I've been bummed out ever since. I've been lax on my goals and plans, completing an assignment last minute that couldve been completed days ago. I could've given it 100%, but I didn't it.
I've gotta pull myself out of this right now. I'm not lazy, lackadaisical or confused-- I need my A game back. I need that I'm-gonna-make-it-and-nothing's-gonna-stop-me attitude back.
Enough is enough. I am making a plan to balance studying with the rest of my goals. I'm going to college to make my own studio and create my own music. This is the big picture here. I need to put this is perspective. I need yoga and I haven't done it in a week. I need to take time for myself so I don't burn out and let myself slip. I'm going to make a realistic plan and stick to it.
I have never been more motivated to do anything in my entire 27 years on this earth, and I can't half-ass this. No way, no how. I'm bouncing back, and I'm doing it now. I don't care if I'm under the weather, at least I'm alive and healthy and capable.
I never thought the hurdle i would have to jump would myself.
I can do this.

Never Giving Up

I've finally found the place where I belong-- It's with people who live and breath music. It's what gets me through the day.
People in my past, mistakes I've made, choices I've made, have all added up to make me who I am today. It reinforces the present, and assures me that I will never go back to the way things used to be.
Life isn't easy, but it's wonderful. It's college full time, it's ensembles and bands and open mic and countless hours studying. It's striving to be the best that I can be, following my heart, giving it my all. I've never felt so whole. I have high demands of myself. A few years ago, I never could have met those demands. Today, I meet them with a vengeance and a passion. So far, I haven't let myself down. Every day that goes by, I succeed, and I plan to be somebody in this industry. I am on my way, one small step at a time. I have courage, I have confidence, and I have determination. It's not going to be easy-- it's going to be challenging, fulfilling.
Because I've been where I've been, and been held down for so long-- by myself, by others-- I have plenty to say. I've been silent for too long, and my voice will not go unheard.
Those who disagree will be surprised.

My First Open Mic!!

Music Industry Club hosted their first open mic night about a week and a half ago, and I was thrilled to be a part of it. I was able to help load in equipment and even got to perform a couple of impromptu songs. I met LOTS of musically inclined people that I hope to get to know more and become friends with, get some gigs going, and just express my ever-increasing love for the industry. This is where I belong, I can feel it!! I've made more friends here than anywhere before I decided to just go for it and do what I love. It is an incredibly rewarding experience.
Tomorrow after classes, we'll be rehearsing for the next open mic night at Sweetwater Marleys this Tuesday. Lots of coffee, my guilty pleasure! We will also be doing a set for the Center for the Blind just before this. Charity work is something I haven't had the pleasure of doing since I was a wee Girl Scout, and I'm looking forward to giving back. Something about it seems surreal, that what I love to do can help people less fortunate. It puts a whole new spin on my idea of music-- that my voice can be of service.
Anyways, time to wind down and get some rest.

Miss Busy

Just when I thought my life couldn't get any busier, it did. Now I find myself studying as soon as I wake up, going to classes, and then studying until nine or so. I'm in MIC (Music Industry Club) which is every Tuesday night-- one week is just a meeting and the next is open mic. But it's not just that simple. I'll be rehearsing with two groups a couple of times a week! Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled. I am jamming with a gifted violinist and a talented pianist to do Fiona Apple's "Never is a Promise" at my request. It's a beautiful song.
So on top of all this, I bought my first music editing program. It's a cheap one, but it'll be enough to get me started. Not that I've had time to take it out of the box. I also try to do Yoga daily-- even if it's just at home. I have a Maltese that needs walking and feeding ( not to mention I need feeding) and lots of love and attention.
I see a therapist - actually, I'm waiting for him now - for past trauma which does not need to be spoken of in this forum. It took me a long time to find him, and he's the right fit for me. Problem is, he's about to tell me I shouldn't be dating anyone. And I am! I'm happy. I have the fullest life without a second to spare, and I love every minute of it. Well, here he is so I am off.

Yogalicious, Baby!

Yoga is indescribable.  It centers me, keeps me fit, gives me peace of mind.  I enter into class filled with thoughts of the day: things to accomplish, little nagging unquiets of the mind, an energetic and positive openness to allow my body to enter new positions.  I exit class with a sense of quietude, a sort of high on life, an awareness of my body and a sense of being calm and grounded.  I feel the connection I have with all life in the universe.  Its something I've done as a hobby on my own off and on for several years, but never have I entered such a beautiful studio and been guided so well by gifted instructors.  It truly feels like another place to call home.  I do warm Hatha Yoga, and no-- I don't know what Hatha means, just that I love it!  I also do aerial yoga in kites that allow all sorts of nongravitational inversions and positions.  Pictured here is myself in one of these glorious kites.
I'm pretty happy with my physical state at the moment.  I've been anorexic before, not due to any body issues but purely stress made food a chore.  I have gained a good twenty pounds since then and I love it.  When people called me skinny, I was quite insulted.  Its just as bad as calling someone fat.  Now, I love food!  The only complaints I have about my body is that I'd like to be more toned in my abdomen, so I may invest in the Perfect Pullup, which has incredible ab workouts.  Then I will feel like I am at my peak physique, so to speak.  (I enjoy a little wordplay, one will notice!)
Other bad habits that used to hold me back were smoking cigarettes, of which I am only a week clean of.  I don't see any possibility of smoking ever again, as I sing for an ensemble and will soon be singing open mics with the Music Industry Club.  My voice is almost back full-force already!  The day I found out about an audition for an ensemble, I quit.
I am also alcohol and drug free (used to engage in cannabis use), and proud of it.  I don't judge those that use it (Lord knows Yogis and musicians do!).  I believe in live and let live.  I'm also resolved to be single and celibate for one year...  but there is this gorgeous, intelligent, valiant man in my life that makes it very difficult to remain resolved in my resolutions.  But I'll save that for another post-- I'm only human!
Well, I am procrastinating and must get back to my studies.  Its what I do at least 50% of my waking life!  I'll be listening to classical music and studying Audio in Media and Modern Recording Technology tonight, and then I'll be up early for a 9:30 Yoga session before class begins.  (Its so difficult to balance my studies with my yoga schedule, but this is one of my goals.)
So I bid the world goodnight.  :)

One in a Million

I should be studying right now. Suffice it to say I need to be here, for the sole reason that I should not be somewhere else in particular anyone. The details not forthcoming, but stick around and learn a little about who I am and what drives me to succeed. I am majoring in music production technology, as a composer and singer. I've joined the music industry club at DSC and plan to get my AA. I've taken the path less traveled, and it has made all the difference. I am not proud of my past, but the choices I made have made me that much stronger. I would venture to say that I am unstoppable. I won't be intimidated, held down, and I have the determination of a steamroller. Nothing will hold me back or stand in my way. I am single because that is what I choose to be. I remain focused on my studies and my goals, never again to be swayed. In time, I will make room for a significant other. Right now, this is my time-- and it's been a long time coming. I know why the caged bird sings, and now I am my own. I am free. I see my future unraveling before my very eyes. I see my promise, my talent, my intelligence, aptitude, integrity, independence. I'm going to be that one in a million, because I already am. I made it through the wilderness, and I survived. I came out with a fire in my heart to follow my dreams. Every fiber of my being was meant for me to do what I am doing right now, day by day, one step closer to achieving, dare I say it... I will be Famous. I will be heard. I will be an inspiration. Watch me.